I PINCHED part of this title from Jerome K. Jerome but he won’t mind.

Incidentally, his middle name was Klapka — not a lot of people know that. (I stole that phrase from Michael Caine, or more likely from his mimics). If I were ever invited onto Mastermind I might have to choose as my specialist subject, as I haven’t got a proper one, famous people’s middle names — William Schwenk Gilbert, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson and the like.

But I digress: if the sub-editor for reasons of his own has placed a different heading above this lot, you are now comprehensively baffled.

Another thing not a lot of people know is that the big words at the head of an article are commonly not the ones supplied by the columnist but are chosen by the sub-editor for their relevance, eye-catching quality and also to do with the arcane arts by which it always appears that exactly enough news has occurred to fill the pages without embarrassing blank spaces. (You may have noticed I wrote “reasons of his own” above; I come from a generation in which masculine words were used when gender was unknown; I imagine children are told now to use “their” even for one person.)

LUNCHTIME TV — a word of advice

Some of you, courtesy of Corona, are enjoying daytime TV for the first time: as an old hand I shall give you the benefit of my experience.

Food and drink programmes: avoid them all! Who needs recipes when you can just read the instructions on the packet? I was once asked in Ryde Library to give my favourite recipe for some sort of collection; I think I may have shocked the lady when I said my signature dish was cold cheese on hot toast.

As to alcohol, one of the greatest gifts I received from my parents, God, or mother nature (delete as you wish) was a complete inability to distinguish between cheap and expensive wine — it’s saved me a lot of money over the years. Try a blind-tasting exercise; you too can throw away the corkscrew in favour of screw-top bottles.

Escape to the Country is more entertaining if you read between the lines. The gist is that the comperes ask the civilians about their preferences, then take them to a couple of houses that fit the requirements, followed by a 'mystery' house that doesn’t, and they see it as a triumph if the escapers choose that one. The escapers of course have watched the programme many times and ensure that the mystery house suits them fine.

In a similar vein, Bargain Hunt takes the participants to buy articles for sale to make a profit, and also has 'experts' doing the same; unfortunately the amateurs usually do better than the experts...

I asked who wrote “It is as natural to die as to be born...” Francis Bacon, who continued “...and to a little infant the one is as bad as the other.” Now, who said “Television? The word is half Latin, half Greek. No good can come of it!”

Enough of this nonsense: Carpe that diem before it gets away.